sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize