Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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