After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
