A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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