I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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