I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
