I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
