; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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