You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
