Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
