This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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