Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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