you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i've created a new STD.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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