She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
