Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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