i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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