i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize