even my farts smell like vagina
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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