How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
