the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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