Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
