I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Alive.
So much puke
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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