You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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