I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
