Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
