Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
