Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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