Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
