I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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