im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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