So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
