So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize