my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
