I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
