Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
