I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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