1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up under a house in Key West
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