Your face is a jimmy john
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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