before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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