If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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