This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
