I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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