i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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