I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
