Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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