Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
