Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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