The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
