Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
