I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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