12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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