Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
