idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize