So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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