sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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