I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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