no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
