he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
