it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
